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Londoners elect Boris Johnson as President of France
The people of London today delivered a resounding endorsement of Boris Johnson’s term as Mayor of London by unanimously electing him to the highest political office in France. ‘Of all the candidates...
View ArticlePolice bring in top Indian chef to design new line of pepper sprays
Following sustained criticism from food connoisseurs, the British police service is seeking to rehabilitate its image by calling in Anjum Anand to help them create a new range of pepper sprays which...
View ArticleSummer riots to go ahead despite Olympics
The traditional week of summer rioting is to go ahead with East London expected to be transformed into a colourful spectacle of burning, fighting and looting. Earlier fears that the Olympic ‘feel good...
View ArticleHoodies win toss and choose to loot first
In the all-important second riot of the Ashes series, the Hoodies have won the toss and have chosen to loot first. On what are looking to be green, fresh conditions, the Hoodies are expected to open...
View ArticleRiot police helpless in face of angry, non-confrontational mob
Truncheon-wielding riot police were left helpless in Birmingham yesterday, as they attempted to control a passive-aggressive crowd who gave no indication of what they were protesting about. Police...
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Nations begin traditional Christmas warfare
Countries around the world have begun bombing each other in the run up to Christmas. ‘I think it gets earlier every year,’ says Mandy Batchelor, a 22-year old physicist from Cheshire. ‘I remember when...
View ArticleBelfast needs to be ‘more ginger, gay and Cockney’
Northern Ireland’s Chief Constable Matt Baggott has said that the only way the province can have a peaceful marching season is by sporting a red fluorescent mullet while wearing a lycra onesie covered...
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Cameron appeals for ‘calm’ so he can at least finish one holiday this year
David Cameron has today called for ‘calm’ throughout the world and at home, after yet another holiday had to be interrupted so he could return to London to chair a meeting of the National Security...
View ArticleLooters divided over Sunday shopping laws
Shoppers who helped themselves to ‘free stuff’ during last summer’s riots say they’re divided over George Osborne’s relaxation of Sunday trading laws during the Olympics. ‘It’s definitely a good idea...
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Cameron appeals for ‘calm’ so he can at least finish one holiday this year
David Cameron has today called for ‘calm’ throughout the world and at home, after yet another holiday had to be interrupted so he could return to London to chair a meeting of the National Security...
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Riots as US runs out of bullets
At 1.36 Eastern Standard Time the United States of America officially declared that they had run out of ammo. The ensuing chaos has seen riots and looting in twelve major cities, as a bewildered...
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Government to introduce protest fees for students
The coalition government today unveiled controversial plans to begin charging fees to students who wish to leave school and pursue a course in opposing government policy. In the future, students...
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Looters apologise to communities for causing two days of visits by politicians
Senior looters have returned early from their summer riots to apologise to local communities across England for unleashing a wave of visits by annoying, insincere politicians. There was widespread...
View ArticleIsle of Wight town centre in chaos after passive-aggressive rioting
An uneasy peace was hanging over the centre of Cowes, Isle of Wight, this morning after a series of riots that was initially sparked by passive-aggressive indirect communication between a man who...
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Rioters denounce ‘Americanisation’ of British way of rioting
British rioters have hit out at what they see as an unwelcome transatlantic influence on the traditional English way of looting and causing affray. ‘It’s another deplorable Americanisation of our...
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Robin Hood resigns due to ‘disillusionment’ with job
Robin Hood, famous for his job as a ‘fiscal re-distributor’, has announced his resignation from the role having last week expressed his concerns about his job publicly for the first time. ‘I took this...
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Met police appeal for help with new acronym in fight against gun crime
The Metropolitan Police have issued a public appeal for help with creating a ‘really cool sounding acronym’ in an attempt to reduce gun crime in London. Deputy Commissioner Tim Godwin is convinced this...
View Article‘Home Bargains Guard’ remain on standby for no-deal Brexit
Tobias Ellwood from the Ministry of Defence has admitted the army are to be placed on standby to ensure supermarkets and shops remain full of goods in the event of a ‘no-deal’ Brexit apocalyptic...
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Londoners elect Boris Johnson as President of France
The people of London today delivered a resounding endorsement of Boris Johnson’s term as Mayor of London by unanimously electing him to the highest political office in France. ‘Of all the candidates...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Riots as US runs out of bullets
At 1.36 Eastern Standard Time the United States of America officially declared that they had run out of ammo. The ensuing chaos has seen riots and looting in twelve major cities, as a bewildered...
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